Saying Goodbye to Old Friends: ATribute to Breast Cancer Survivors from a 2X Survivor

The strongest women I know have survived and toppled some obstacles in this life.  We’ve loss friends, parents, spouses, and even children. The longer you have a friend, the more familiar you become with them, and the more you miss them. I will miss the friend I have known for over fifty years. The friend that nursed my daughter, cushioned the heads of friends and lovers, and softened the embrace of many.

My daughter, my legacy, was nineteen and twenty-three at the time of my diagnoses. Yes, I survived four years between diagnoses, and now as I type this I am waiting to sacrifice my friend to save my life. I have received a truck load of advice and well wishes. My “sisters” older and younger have been through some stuff, so they do have some wisdom to impart. However, a loss is very personal. No one can define it for you, because it is a revelation that something or someone you once knew, will no longer exist in your life taking with it the purpose served and the meaning you gave it. A VOID. VACANCY, ABSENCE…

What are even more descriptive are the sensual connotations that are associated with breasts. I have been known as well-endowed for over 30 years. Now, my 38F’s will be reduced to a minimum. Even as my surgery draws near, I am still contemplating requesting a double mastectomy. For even in my moments of hopeless vanity, I want to live for myself and my family. I don’t want to learn in three, four or twenty years that the cancer has returned. Every place that I have had a growth, I have had it removed, not just the lump, the organ!  I never mourned the loss of any of those lifelong friends, but my “boobs” have been a calling card, and an unwritten muse for others!

I will miss my friend. I am already mourning the loss. But, I am not so stupid to miss the opportunity to celebrate my new life without it. What I think about has been thought about by many before me, and will be contemplated by those who take this journey after me. I want to be desirable inside and outside. Right now, I am not dating. So, I wonder (even before this) will I find that man who loves all of me? Oh, I know the “you’ll find the person who loves you for what and who you are…the person God has in store for you”. However, to say that I don’t think about my chances would be a lie. Male and female friends have reaffirmed my inner and outer beauty, but that special someone has eluded me.  Yes, I will miss my friends. They have swallowed gallons of talcum powder, anti-perspirant, perfume, and poured out just as much perspiration. They have floated in baths, pools, and strapless bras. They have been uplifted and down-trodden.  They have been cumbersome. I even sought to have them downsized, but was told that because of the radiation, I was not a good candidate. So, I smiled, patted them and said, “C’mon!” And away we went.

Now, the time has come to say goodbye, and it is hard. Not the most difficult thing I have ever done, but definitely permanent. My daughter has mourned a little for her old friends too. Yet, we both know that the blessing of being able to embrace each other a little longer is the blessing. She is my legacy. I owe her a gallant ride. More importantly, I need to do what one of my sisters suggested. I need to start anew. I need to re-invent Barbara. I need to redefine what I think my true beauty is all about, and do it for me and no one else.

For those who are self-described “boob men”, I can tell them where they can be bought.  My daughter’s nursing days are long gone, and I still give great hugs! I will soon be able to wear the sundresses I wanted to wear every summer, but was always too large to orchestrate the fashion statement. I will lose weight instantly, because it was estimated my friends were approximately ten extra pounds. I won’t hear the extra flap when I jump, and they won’t land 10 minutes after I do anymore. Yet, just because I complained about them won’t make my loss less emotional. It may make the new me more palatable, though. I’ll just need to embrace and love her. I will keep you posted throughout this new journey. Peace.

Gossip and Other Nasty Germs

My mother is the “Queen of Expressions”. They aren’t usually originals, but she states them so often you’d swear she authored them. One of them is about pointing out the twig in another person’s eye when you have a log in your own.

We are facing a time when people are progressively rude, disrespectful and cruel. AND, I have never seen so many experts. Folks know how to solve everyone’s problem, but they can’t fix what ails them. In the past week, I have heard some of the most remarkable comments made by intellectuals, followed by expert opinions. Idiots are rampant. They are teaching our children, birthing our babies, feeding our spirits on Sundays, and calling us “friend”. Even when they don’t call us friend they lie about the reasons. Each of us was given a life to live--that’s one life, not yours and someone else. So why is your scoop in my sand pail, again?

Idiots see fault in everyone who doesn’t agree with their thwarted upbringing. Did you know you couldn’t order prime rib with a debit card? Nope, cash and carry. However, it is quite acceptable to keep company with someone who verbally abuses you, humiliates you in public and private, and makes it known that you mean nothing to them but the distinction of being first one you allowed to tap and slap you.

What do you do when a person is hurting or having a difficult time? That’s right kick ‘em, kick ‘em hard! Next, criticize them; tell them how poorly they are living their life. In fact, show them by your sterling example. Show them the men you are dating, let them meet your upstanding family—every member not just some of them. Imagine them being a fly on the wall of your life. Can you still point your finger so well?

I have heard people say, “I’m in it for the long haul…” The long haul was a short tow to the corner, and then a careless dump! When the load gets heavy, they are ready to lighten their cargo in a hurry. Not everyone is equipped to deal with burdensome relationships, but why is it necessary to spit upon, kick or punch the person? And what joy comes from it? “Hmph! I bet they don’t think they are so much now. Look at him! Yeah…” That sounds like someone who is in it for the long haul, doesn’t it? Friends are in for the long haul! They iron things out. They discuss their issues with each other not everyone else. AND they learn that while they may not always agree, friends don’t bring harm, and they try to prevent harm from coming to friends. Friends communicate, they share, they heal together, and they care about the well-being of the other.

Have you ever stopped to think about a person who would talk about your friend to you? A friend who has brought them no harm and who has brought no harm to you either? Now, let me set the record straight. Do I gossip? Um- hmmm! I am not going to try to justify or qualify it. I will say this, once a co worker made a snide comment about someone I considered a friend. I stopped her by saying the person was my friend, and I would not entertain the conversation. Another time a dear friend revealed a person’s negative opinion of me. Two of my friends attempted to show this person how ridiculous they were being, to no avail. They have remained friends with this person. What I admire about my FRIENDS is that neither of us is allowed to bad mouth the other. Perhaps that quality of friendship is dead. I hope not.

I remember being told a negative comment someone made about me, and asking the person why the others felt comfortable making that remark to them. Silence. I knew why. It was because they either joined in or refused to defend me. Defense makes the offender uncomfortable. I cannot nor do I try to defend those who have been callous, taken advantage of or done malicious acts toward my friends. Even in those instances, there is an agreement among my friends that the person will not be discussed, period. Weed out those gossiping, mess starting people quickly even if you have to lose a few casualties (the neutral folks). No one should constantly be in the midst of negative vibes, false friendships, and miserable folks who could care less if you swim, but smirk when you sink a little. Karma whips you around and beats you down like a drum in a metal band. And as I said when I was a little girl, “God sees you.” So, if you’re bad enough to stand your gossiping mean spirit ground with God, have at it. Go for it! Stay wrong, and watch out for that bolt of lightning.

Insidious individuals breed best when the environment is warm and friendly to them. A person who is inherently vicious is not a friend—to anyone. I wrote about the snake before. Watch them. They innocently “make mention” of something they are “disturbed” about. They usually preface it with a “little talk” they want to have or they want to “ask you something”. What they really want is to use their great manipulative ability to plant a seed, and then return to water and fertilize it from time to time. Since it is human nature to love a good story, most of us are great audiences for the manipulator.

Gossip is like a nasty disease that spreads, lies dormant, and then comes back for the kill. If, in your pious moment you think you have earned the right to treat another human shabbily, slink over to the mirror and come face-to-face with who you really are inside. You may deceive others, because some people like to gossip when they are the expert not the victim. However, see yourself for who you really are, it won’t be the eyes of an innocent individual. Gossip is a negative habit that mysteriously feeds the warped ego of the gossiper. Somehow we “know” something or think we know something, or “want” to know something, or want folks to “think” or “feel” the same way we do.

Most of us can spell hypocrite, learn to recognize it in the flesh. So, if the opportunity comes to help someone with your pearls of wisdom, FIX YOURSELF UP FIRST! After that, you won’t need to judge or tear someone else down, because you’ll be fine! In the meantime, I’ll be over here nursing the log in my own eye.