The strongest women I know have survived and toppled some obstacles in this life. We’ve loss friends, parents, spouses, and even children. The longer you have a friend, the more familiar you become with them, and the more you miss them. I will miss the friend I have known for over fifty years. The friend that nursed my daughter, cushioned the heads of friends and lovers, and softened the embrace of many.
My daughter, my legacy, was nineteen and twenty-three at the time of my diagnoses. Yes, I survived four years between diagnoses, and now as I type this I am waiting to sacrifice my friend to save my life. I have received a truck load of advice and well wishes. My “sisters” older and younger have been through some stuff, so they do have some wisdom to impart. However, a loss is very personal. No one can define it for you, because it is a revelation that something or someone you once knew, will no longer exist in your life taking with it the purpose served and the meaning you gave it. A VOID. VACANCY, ABSENCE…
What are even more descriptive are the sensual connotations that are associated with breasts. I have been known as well-endowed for over 30 years. Now, my 38F’s will be reduced to a minimum. Even as my surgery draws near, I am still contemplating requesting a double mastectomy. For even in my moments of hopeless vanity, I want to live for myself and my family. I don’t want to learn in three, four or twenty years that the cancer has returned. Every place that I have had a growth, I have had it removed, not just the lump, the organ! I never mourned the loss of any of those lifelong friends, but my “boobs” have been a calling card, and an unwritten muse for others!
I will miss my friend. I am already mourning the loss. But, I am not so stupid to miss the opportunity to celebrate my new life without it. What I think about has been thought about by many before me, and will be contemplated by those who take this journey after me. I want to be desirable inside and outside. Right now, I am not dating. So, I wonder (even before this) will I find that man who loves all of me? Oh, I know the “you’ll find the person who loves you for what and who you are…the person God has in store for you”. However, to say that I don’t think about my chances would be a lie. Male and female friends have reaffirmed my inner and outer beauty, but that special someone has eluded me. Yes, I will miss my friends. They have swallowed gallons of talcum powder, anti-perspirant, perfume, and poured out just as much perspiration. They have floated in baths, pools, and strapless bras. They have been uplifted and down-trodden. They have been cumbersome. I even sought to have them downsized, but was told that because of the radiation, I was not a good candidate. So, I smiled, patted them and said, “C’mon!” And away we went.
Now, the time has come to say goodbye, and it is hard. Not the most difficult thing I have ever done, but definitely permanent. My daughter has mourned a little for her old friends too. Yet, we both know that the blessing of being able to embrace each other a little longer is the blessing. She is my legacy. I owe her a gallant ride. More importantly, I need to do what one of my sisters suggested. I need to start anew. I need to re-invent Barbara. I need to redefine what I think my true beauty is all about, and do it for me and no one else.
For those who are self-described “boob men”, I can tell them where they can be bought. My daughter’s nursing days are long gone, and I still give great hugs! I will soon be able to wear the sundresses I wanted to wear every summer, but was always too large to orchestrate the fashion statement. I will lose weight instantly, because it was estimated my friends were approximately ten extra pounds. I won’t hear the extra flap when I jump, and they won’t land 10 minutes after I do anymore. Yet, just because I complained about them won’t make my loss less emotional. It may make the new me more palatable, though. I’ll just need to embrace and love her. I will keep you posted throughout this new journey. Peace.
